So I'm really winging this, and as I sit here, The New Amsterdam's "A New Crusade" comes on my spotify...and it's just kismet, isn't it? How music works when you just let it go. How it stitches parts of you together and helps you find clarity.
Last night I was actually considering selling my xti and relying totally on instagram. I genuinely thought I was done with photography, it was done with me. We could no longer be friends. So I headed to flickr, remembering that you could view images by camera - thinking it was time to upgrade to a better cellphone.
I was shocked to find that I have over 33,000 photos uploaded. I haven't logged in for more than two years, I had forgotten what was there.
And I started digging. And I started crying. I used to be so talented, I see that. But it was something bigger than that I had lost. There is so much love in those thousands of images. Through most of my life, I was pretty miserable, but I kept shooting. It gave me joy. Now, I'm happy, but I set my camera down and I forgot how to pick it up. The past year and change has rushed past without witness.
I used to take pictures constantly. I never realized how much that camera motivated me to do things, I almost felt like I spent more time photographing life than actually living it. Now I see, we lived. We probably lived more than we live now. I mean, I have the intention of living, but do we? I don't know, pics or it didn't happen.
I can think of half a dozen valid reasons for my heart going out of it, but I think I've healed. So why, now, can I not pick my camera up with any consistency? I honestly do not know, and the only way I think it's going to come back is if I dive in. I want to bear witness, to be completely present, for every moment. I want to pay attention to detail again.
I wandered the internet for a while, in search of inspiration, and found 15 Ways to Jumpstart your Passion. It's exactly what I needed, a step-by-step guide to climbing out of this rut. I came to a couple of big conclusions from reading this, things that I needed to put into affect immediately.
1. I deleted instagram. I almost started crying as I did it. I am an instagram addict, but it has been such a crutch. It has been a reason to stop bringing my camera out, to stop paying real attention - because it's just instagram.
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| (I had a baby panic attack while making this - going a month without instagram will be difficult!) |
2. I need to do a creative, spiritual cleanse. I love all of the blogs I read, I love looking at the work of my friends. I, of course, love pinterest. But at this point, there is an overwhelming sense of inadequacy that washes over me whenever I scroll through pages upon pages of things I could never do. Or so that awful little voice inside tells me. I need to stop worrying about what other people are doing. I need to stop worrying about what I used to do. Instead, I'm going to focus on picking up my camera, and using it. I'm going to focus on posting the results, regardless of perfection.
So for one month, I will not be on pinterest (where will I get recipes?!) and I will not be reading blogs (omg) - I will be in the dark, so that I may find the light on my own again.
I also went in search of a photo challenge to help me along. I read list after list.....and they are all basically the same and they are great fun when it's what you need. But what I need right now is to explore my world, without destination, without guidelines.
And, as I finish this post, Benjamin Francis Leftwich's "Picutres" comes on. Spotify reads my mind, I swear.
I get this. Completely.
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